“Mrs. DeKruif, I was totally disrespectful this morning when you asked me for an excuse note from my mom. You were just doing your job and I got angry. It was wrong for me to talk to you the way I did. I will never talk to you like that again. Are you willing to forgive me?”
Jason was following my advice on how to reconcile things in the front office. I don’t know how sincere his words were, but I know his last question was hard for him to ask. I seldom told a student, “Now go say you are sorry.” I told him the secretary was not obligated to forgive him, but he had to at least ask her to consider it. The last thing Mrs. D needed to hear was a mumbled, “Sorry.” Asking for forgiveness demanded some humility from the young man. My guess is that he would think long and hard before being disrespectful in the front office again.
Forgiveness has been the topic in an adult education class at my church. This and other stories have been recalled as we discuss the many things related to forgiveness. Some of those stories and topics include the following:
- What does it mean to be wronged?
- Must an apology be offered before forgiveness can be extended?
- If I forgive my abusive husband, do I have to let him back into the house?
- Can I be the one who forgives the teacher who lost my son’s research paper? Is it possible to forgive someone who wronged another person?
- Does forgiveness always have to be spoken? Is it appropriate to forgive someone who has died?
- If the family of a victim forgives the man on death row, should he still be executed? What is the relationship between forgiveness, remorse, revenge, justice and punishment? What do each of those words mean?
We’ve been using The Art of Forgiving, by Lewis Smedes to guide our discussions. Smedes contends that forgiveness is as much for the forgiver as the forgiven. He also stresses that forgiveness is not always an invitation back into a relationship; it is not a declaration that the offense was not hurtful; and it does not erase an impending consequence. “Yeah, Bill, I forgive you for using that language with your teacher, but guess what? You still have a detention to serve.”
One week in the adult class, I sensed we were getting bogged down with some minor details. I heard comments like, “I don’t know what it means to be wronged. I am not sure I’ve ever been wronged. Smedes has all these examples of grievous situations. I’ve not experienced abuse or betrayal. No one I know has been murdered. I don’t think this even applies to me. I don’t think I’ve ever had to forgive anyone and I’m not sure if anyone has had to forgive me.” I decided on a plan for the next class.
Splitting up the Sermon on the Mount into bite-size pieces, and examining other teachings of Jesus, I asked the adults to start describing the characteristics of the people Jesus calls us to be. Using the words of Brian McLaren, I invited them to find a comfortable rock and sit with the crowd behind the disciples and eavesdrop as Jesus taught his small band what it means to be his follower.
Here is a partial list of Christ-following traits:
- Be people who care for the poor.
- Be people who grieve with those who grieve.
- Be gentle. Be kind. Be generous.
- Hunger for the common good; don’t be satisfied with the status quo.
- Show mercy and compassion.
- Work for peace; strive for reconciliation.
- Keep seeking justice, even when you’re misunderstood.
- Forgive. Keep forgiving.
I wanted our adult class to understand that forgiveness was not optional. My friend, David, leads the adult class with me. I assigned the last scripture passage to David and me. It was the passage where Jesus teaches his disciples to pray. “Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.” And later, “If you forgive others … your heavenly Father will forgive you. If you don’t, he won’t.” David and I contributed the last bullet of Christ-following attributes – Forgive. Keep forgiving.
Someone piped up. “Wait. Does that mean this is an agreement? If we forgive, he will forgive? If we don’t forgive others, he won’t forgive us? Do we earn forgiveness?”
Honestly, what will I do with these kids?
Remember that God isn’t building up a forgiveness market but is building a whole forgiveness economy.
Brian McLaren, in We Make the Road by Walking
David answered this time. “Jesus tells us to forgive. We have our marching orders.”
Let’s revisit the school office. Jason faced the school secretary, “Mrs. DeKruif, I spoke to you disrespectfully this morning. It was wrong. I will not do it again. Will you forgive me?”
Aren’t those the very words God longs to hear from us?
I did not hear my secretary’s response to Jason. I know how God responds to us.
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